daj te viceve BRE
ponavljam, ovo jr najbolji topik, mislim da sam svaki vic procitao bar tri puta :grin::wink:
Politicki vicevi
Started by
elle
, Oct 21 2002 08:38
31 replies to this topic
#32
elle
-
- Members
- 4,479 posts
Posted 06 March 2003 - 20:23
evo malo viceva, s'a se deres, Prki :smile:
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
____________________________________
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you
get Chinese food in the Middle East?
_____________________________________________
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh
largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the
California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &
livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory
of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and
Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten
more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows
so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and
baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
_______________________________
You Might Be A Republican If...
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were
just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons
of bitches."
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You answer to "The Man."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western
values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks
your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
dictates...."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
___________________________________________________________
Medical Miracles
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way
behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him
in the White House for four years, and now half the country is
looking for work."
( .... ovaj problem se moze resiti ratom, jaaaaaaaako smesno :smile:
)
_________________________________________________________
A Liberal and a Genie
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you
grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're
feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal
said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said,
"O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the
country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports
car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets
two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million
dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two
million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always
wanted to donate a kidney."
________________________________________
imam ih jos , nego , posto ne placam za syber prostor, aj vil not abjuz :wink:
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
____________________________________
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you
get Chinese food in the Middle East?
_____________________________________________
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh
largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the
California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &
livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory
of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and
Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten
more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows
so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and
baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
_______________________________
You Might Be A Republican If...
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were
just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons
of bitches."
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You answer to "The Man."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western
values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks
your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
dictates...."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
___________________________________________________________
Medical Miracles
An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.
A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way
behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him
in the White House for four years, and now half the country is
looking for work."
( .... ovaj problem se moze resiti ratom, jaaaaaaaako smesno :smile:
)
_________________________________________________________
A Liberal and a Genie
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you
grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're
feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal
said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said,
"O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the
country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports
car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets
two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million
dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two
million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always
wanted to donate a kidney."
________________________________________
imam ih jos , nego , posto ne placam za syber prostor, aj vil not abjuz :wink:
