Posted 21 October 2002 - 08:38
to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation,
protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others
Posted 23 October 2002 - 06:12
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things
right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the
requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man
staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Posted 24 October 2002 - 04:50
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
Posted 24 October 2002 - 17:54
Posted 24 October 2002 - 22:59
Super, onda se neces ljutiti ako ti kazem da odjebes.
Crni Indy, pa sta se sad toliko ljutis na mene. Sta sam tako strasno rekla :???:
Pa zar ti nisi hteo da "uneses malo dinamike" na ovaj forum.
c c c
Posted 27 October 2002 - 19:39
I onda, gde je ta zena sa zubom za vadjenje ?
a ja mislila on se naljutio na mene, izgubio kontrolu nad sobom i poceo / inetelektualno / da pcuje c c c
Posted 27 October 2002 - 23:12
Bill says she looks funny without ears.
Posted 28 October 2002 - 12:54
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
Don't feel bad about saying: "No Condom no Sex"
[ Izmena poruke: Free Mason na dan 2002-10-28 13:10 ]
Posted 28 October 2002 - 14:06
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?
The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they find out everything."
Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.
So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.
As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu,Vus Tutzuch?"
The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?"
Posted 12 November 2002 - 14:03
>> Sakib mi je jutros dao odlican recept za mamurluk: popiti flasicu
>>infuzije. On je to otkrio kad su ga jednom vozili u hitnu pomoc, zbog
>>trovanja alkoholom. Dao mi je jednu svoju bocicu, jer se osjecao krivim (on
>>me odveo na taj party). Lokalni partyi su sasvim drugaciji nego kod nas.
>>Svi sjede u jednoj prostoriji, oko jednog niskog stola na kojem su i
>>sirevi, i meso, i vino, i pivo, i kikiriki, i kafa, i pepeljare. Ne plese
>>se, ali se pustaju ploce (vinil) i onda> svi pjevaju i placu. Ponekad se
>>zagrle dok pjevaju. Najglasniji su oni koji imaju najmanje
>>sluha. Lica sijaju, ali ne znas da li od suza, znoja ili masnoce. Popio sam
>>manje nego obicno, ali jutros me glava boljela vise. Mislim da je to zbog
>>loseg vazduha. Ovdje je obicaj da se prilikom ulaska u kucu skidaju cipele,
>>ali nije obicaj da se koristi puder protiv znojenja nogu. Naravno, za svaki
>>obicaj ovdje postoji razlog. Ulice su jako prljave. U centru grada
>>prodavacice koje operu radnju prljavu vodu
>>prospu na plocnik. Dok setas, cesto iza ledja cujes hrrrrrr, pffff, pfljuff
>>- neko je pljunuo na trotoar. Zato ja sve manje setam. Sakib
>>parkira na trotoar i ja iz auta uskocim u ofis.
>>Kestenje prodaju neoguljeno, a oni koji ga jedu bacaju ljuske na tlo. Ako
>>jedu sjemenke dinje ili suncokreta, onda ljuske pljuckaju (sretan si ako ti
>>se ne zalijepe za cipele!). Mozda je to njima normalno, jer
>>njihove cipele ne kostaju petsto dolara. Da. Kupio sam jos jedan par.
>>Dvadeset treci, od kako sam ovdje. Sta drugo da radim u ovakvoj provinciji,
>>nego da koristim sve prednosti kupovine. Mark, iz personalnog, trecinu
>>place trosi na kravate. Van der Klift ima osamdeset kosulja. Virdzinija
>>(ona i ja smo najbolji frendovi)ima tri i po kilograma svilenog rublja. To
>>je prva faza koju prolazi svaki
>>stranac koji dodje ovamo. Druga faza je pisanje knjiga. Ne moras znati
>>nista posebno o ovoj zemlji, samo treba smisliti dobar naslov. I normalno,
>>moras provesti neko vrijeme ovdje. To daje tezinu knjizi. Ja znam nekoliko
>>kolega koji nisu izlazili iz auta i kafane, a u ofisu su pola vremena
>>proveli surfajuci, I neko im je objavio knjige. Imam vec nekoliko ideja:
>>"Balkanski Titanik", "Krvavi podrum Evrope", "Krvavi raspad", "Krvozedni
>>Balkan", "Kanalizacija civilizacije", ali ni sa jednom nisam zadovoljan.
>>Svidja mi se ono "krvavo", to privlaci citaoce.
>>Izvini, usao je sef, morao sam da prekinem. Dosao je da me pita gdje sam
>>kupio cipele. Ali to je samo izgovor, posto za takve stvari obicno jedni
>>drugima saljemo mailove. Dosao je da vidi da li se Sakib vratio. Sakib je
>>otisao da odvede njegove pudlice na vakcinu i sisanje, jer je sefov vozac
>>odvezao sefovu kcerku na aerodrom. Razgovarao sam sa sefom o poslu za
>>Dzoanu. Imamo jedno prazno mjesto u odnosima s javnoscu.
>>Plata je odlicna, a Dzoanino iskustvo iz Ajvorijevog paba je sasvim
>>dovoljno. Ako Ajvoriju treba nova konobarica, mozemo mu poslati neku
>>inzinjerku odavde. Neku koja ima stan a nema posao. I aplicirala je za
>>iseljenje. Ona ce muraditi dvostruko vise za duplo manju platu. Dzoana bi
>>mogla poceti iza Nove godine. Posao nije tezak. Svaki dan treba da
>>izdiktira neko saopstenje lokalnim novinarima, i da odgovara na pitanja.
>>Nije uopste bitno da odgovor bude u vezi s pitanjem, vazno je samo da se
>>nekoliko puta ponovi neka rijec, koju izaberemo za taj mjesec (prosli
>>mjesec je to bila "korupcija"). Reci joj da nema razloga da se brine. Nije
>>potrebno da zna lokalne jezike, ovdje svi sa kojima moze doci u kontakt
>>govore nas. Osim politicara. A oni imaju prevodioce.
>>Radno vrijeme je od pola devet do sest. Ima pravo na sat pauze, ali to vazi
>>samo za lokalce. Mi ostali mozemo ostati i duze. Od devet do deset citaju
>>se vijesti na internetu, od deset do jedanaest e-mailom se salju
>>i primaju vicevi i druge zajebancije, od jedanaest do pauze pisemo i citamo
>>izvjestaje, od tri do pet surfamo, od pet do sedam cekamo da neko prvi
>>podje kuci, a oko devet izlazimo ili idemo na neki prijem ili party.
>>Izvini, nesto se desava. Sef galami na hodniku. Idem da vidim sta je? Nadam
>>se da Sakib nije pogresnu pudlicu odveo na sisanje, iz cega bi slijedio
>>zakljucak da je pogresna vakcinisana. Nije. Sefova kcerka je zvala sa
>>aerodroma, zaboravila je pasos. A nije bilo ni jednog slobodnog automobila
>>na dispoziciji da se ode po pasos u sefovu rezidenciju i odnese na
>>aerodrom. Tomas je spasio stvar. Ustupio je svog vozaca i dzip. Odlozio je
>>obilazak onog kampa za sljedecu sedmicu. Izbjeglice ionako nemaju kud iz
>>satora. Osim toga, ako padne snijeg, snimci ce biti puno bolji.
>>Izvini, moram ici da pomognem Sakibu..
Posted 12 November 2002 - 21:57
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a trulystunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
This poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush. The quotes have been arranged for aesthetic presentation by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson.
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER by George W. Bush
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!
Posted 13 November 2002 - 02:19
da li je ovaj politicki?
Velika guzva na autoputu ispred Beograda, stoji nepregledna kolona.
Izmedju automobila muva se Lala, sa nekom kantom u ruci.
>-Sta se dogadja? pita ga jedan vozac iz automobila.
>-Oteli su Predsednika, traze jedan milion evra,
ako ne platimo zalice ga benzinom i zapaliti.
>-A sta ti ustvari radis? -pitaju ga dalje.
>-Kako ide, da li daju ljudi?
>Daju, daju, svako da po litru, dve!
Posted 14 November 2002 - 00:53
United Nations Strike Force
There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.
Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach.........
The Royal Marines go fishing.
The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
The Kentuckians open a KFC.
The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
The Swedes just want to screw.
The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
Posted 15 November 2002 - 00:58
Posle prvog odrzanog casa, kaze on:
" Dobro deco, ima li ko sta da pita?" Na to Perica ustaje i kaze:
"Ja imam samo tri pitanja:
- Ko je izazvao bombardovanje NATO snaga?
- Ko je kriv za Ibarsku magistralu?
- Gde je Ivan Stambolic?"
SM ce na to njegovo cuveno:
"Dobro, Perice, sutra cemo o tome, nemamo sad vremena."
Sutradan ista prica, pita SM:
"Ima li ko sta da pita?"
"Ja imam samo tri pitanja:
- Ko je izazvao bombardovanje NATO snaga?
- Ko je kriv za Ibarsku magistralu?
- Gde je Perica?"