2039 replies to this topic

[barracuda]

 

 

Pricaju dva blizanca:A gde si ti ceo dan,mama me dva puta kupala?!

 

 

Dolazi Perica iz škole i pita ga otac: 
-Sine, kako si prošao u školi? 
Sin:
-Tata ti si fudbaler, pa ćeš me razumjeti. Produžio sam ugovor sa prvim razredom na godinu dana.

[ControlFreak]

Na zalost, ovi su na engleskom...

 

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[barracuda]

"Saznaju novinari kako jedna baba na nekoj planini ima mnogo ovaca i sama ih cuva.
Jedan od njih je nekako pronađe, sedi baba na stolici i prede, a ispred nje
po livadi pase mnoštvo ovaca.
- Bako, koliko imaš ovaca ?
...- Kojih, crnih ili belih, - pita baba.
- Pa, na primer belih?
- Hiljadu.
- A crnih ?
- Isto, - mrzovoljno će baba.
- A koliko jedna ovca daje vune ?
- Koja, crna ili bela ?
- Pa, na primer, bela ?
- Dve kile godišnje.
- A crna ?
- Isto.
- A koliko se mesa dobije od jedne ovce ?
- Koje, crne ili bele ?
- Na primer, crne ?
- Dva'es pet kila.
- A od bele ?
- Isto.
Novinar već iznerviran, pukao mu film, pa vikne na babu:
- Pa, dobro, bre, baba, kakva je razlika između crnih i belih, kad me stalno
pitaš : crne ili bele, a na kraju sve isto !?
- Eeee, crne su moje !!!
- A bele ?
- Isto"

[goxyl]

Pita učiteljica Pericu:
- Perice, ko je ubio Murata?
 
Perica ćuti, ćuti, pa najzad odgovara:
- I da znam ne bi' vam rek'o - NISAM JA TUŽIBABA!
 
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Ušao mladić u apoteku i zbunio se jer ga uslužuje mlada zgodna plavuša.
- Hteo bih, znate... onaj... kako se zove...  znate ono malo, gumeno... ogrtač za...
 
- Znam, znam... - razumela je plavuša šta traži.
- Evo izaberite! - pruži mu ona kutiju sa prezervativima. - Ako vam zatreba krzno na ogrtaču, ja sam kod kuće posle osam.
 
Vicevi sa sajta Najsmesniji Vicevi

[dulematic]

Jedan crnjak...

 

Dolazi baba kod unuka na sahranu i kaže:

- Neka, neka, samo nek je random

 

[dali_man]

11 Tipova žena iz ugla informatičara

1. Internet žena
Morate platiti da biste dobili pristup.

2. Server žena
Uvek je zaposlena i preopterećena kada vam treba.

3. Windows žena
Znate da ima puno mana, ali ne možete da živite bez nje.

4. PowerPoint žena
Idealna da ju prezentirate ljudima na kakvom slavlju.

5. Excel žena
Priča se da može štošta, ali vi je i dalje koristite samo za one četiri osnovne radnje.

6. Word žena
Nema šta, svakim danom vas sve više iznenađuje, pa ipak, ne postoji nko na svetu ko je zaista razume.

7. MS-DOS žena
Svi su je imali i niko je više ne želi.

8. Back-up žena
Mislite da ima sve, no kad vam nešto zatreba, shvatite da joj ipak nešto fali.

9. Scandisk žena
Svi mi znamo da ona može napraviti mnogo toga dobrog i da samo želi pomoći, ali u načelu niko ne zna šta to ona zaista može.

10. Screen saver žena
Nema nekih bitnih funkcija, no volite je gledati.

11. Hard disk žena
Seća se svega, u svako doba dana.

[Constantin]

Udale se tri sestre istog dana i raziđu se svaka na svoju stranu, uz dogovor da pišu majci kako im je u braku. Dogovore se da umesto "sex" pišu "gulaš".

Pismo najstarije sestre:
- Draga mama, imam sve: kuće, naftovode, auta... Čak i gulaš, jednom mesečno.

Pismo srednje sestre:
- Draga mama, lepo mi je, on ima pristojnu platu, nismo bogati ali dobro živimo, a gulaš jedemo jednom nedeljno.

Pismo najmlađe sestre:
- Draga maam, nije mi laok, nmamo para, nemmo stan, on je izgubbio posfo, samo gulaš imaom da jedemo svakj dan po tri-četiru puta. Izvni za greške, dk ovo pšem ovj moj liže lonac...

[barracuda]

Dođe Mujo kod doktorke na pregled:

- Mujo, moraš da prestaneš s onanijom.

- A zašto?

- Da bih mogla da te pregledam.

[puppeter]

Nije vic ali je odlicna stvar (ako se bavite pozoristem)

 

http://www.newscasti...c-biti-1323202/

[Gogy]

Sahranio muž ženu i nakon svega ode kuči.

Kad stigne kuči, počinje kiša, lije, grmi, munje sevaju...

Pogleda muž u nebo i kaže: ,, Stigla je!''

 

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-Tata, tata, kako sam ja došao na svet?

-Sine, donela te roda.

- Pa ti si tata car! Ti jebeš sve živo!

[VaskeNoviSad]

Prilazi Crnogorac devojci u kafiću -Što piješ? KOKA KOLU -A dje ti je

[Carobni]

Dolazi muž kući i kaže ženi:
-Ženo, dobio sam sedmicu na lotou!
Žena ćuti.
-Ženoooo?? Dobio sam sedmicu na lotou!
Žena se ne odaziva.
-KAD TE HOĆE SREĆA, ONDA TE HOĆE!

[Carobni]

otišao mujo u ameriku i oženi se sa devojkom Wendy, volio ju je pa je istetovirao na kurcu Wendy. Kad je dignut vidi se Wendy, a kad je spušten samo Wy. Jednog dana ode on u javni WC da piša, nailazi crnac i staje pored njega. ovaj pogleda kad i crnac ima na kurcu Wy.
mujo:
- je l’ i tebi na kurcu piše Wendy?
crnac:
- ne, meni piše: Welcome to America and have a nice day!

[Carobni]

Isao Mujo u ZOO. Sretne papigu i gleda je.
  >Pita papiga:"Sto buljis budalo"?
>Na to ce Mujo: "Jebo mater ako nisam mislio da si ptica!"

[Carobni]

Odlučio Mujo da se riješi mačke pa je strpa u auto i izbaci u drugom kvartu. 
Mačka se, naravno, odmah vratila kući. 
Sutradan Mujo odveze mačku u udaljeniji kraj grada i tamo je ostavi. 
Mačka se opet isti dan vratila kući. 
Poludi Mujo, odveze mačku u šumu daleko od grada i izbaci je. 
Na povratku kući, normalno, zaluta i izgubi se u šumi. 
Poslije nekog vremena nazove Fatu mobitelom: 
'Fato, je l' stigla mačka?' 
'Jeste.' 
'Daj mi je malo na telefon ....