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*************************
Rohan Candapa
The Little book of Stress
Ebury Press
London
*************************

Stress. Is it really so bad? Or it is just misunderstood?

Perhaps its only crime is to have fallen foul of a conspiracy of namby-pamby New Age do-gooders. Well, enough is enough. It is time to put the record straight.
Time to proclaim the most radical philosophical truth. Time to admit that stress is good. Because without stress we would all be very, very nice. And stomach-churningly contented. And, in all honesty, who wants to live in a world like that?
The simple teaching I have collected in this little book show you how to increase the level of stress both within you and
those around you.
It is by no means a definitive guide. But it is a start. I hope you will find it useful.

1. THE REMOTE CONTROL STRATEGEM
Find out when your friends favourite TV programme is on. Then ring them every seven minutes after it starts.

2. HUSBAND YOUR RESOURCES
When you ask a woman any question, suggest she checks with her husband before answering.
This is even more productive if you are a woman yourself.

3. EVEN IF YOU SLEEP YOU CAN CREATE STRESS
Learn to snore.

4. IT IS QUICKER BY TUBE
Squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle.
Never replace the cap.

5. TAKE A FIZZICAL EXCERCICE
Whenever you have opportunity shake up cans and bottles of fizzy drinks.
Then leave them for someone else to open.

6. TAKE A WAITING GAME
Always be late.

7. FRIENDS
Choose the friends you don't like.

8. PRACTISE BUTTON PUSHING
If you have free time during the rush hour find a pedestrian crossing and repeatedly push the button to stop the traffic. Never actually cross the road.

9. THE MILK OF HUMAN UNKIDNESS
Put empty milk cartons back in the fridge.

10. FROM GREEN TO RED
When you are the first car in the queue at traffic lights, get out and read a map. Try to miss the green light at least twice.

11. LATE AGAIN
If you are enjoying the physical relationship with a new man, give it a few weeks and then tell him you've missed your period.
This information is best left on an answering machine.

12. ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES
If someone is telling you a joke and you know the punch line, wait until they've nearly finished, then tell them you know a joke.

13. THE CALMER SUTURE
Stitch people up as often as possible. Especially your friends.

14. FORGET THE MOVIES. ENJOY THE TALKIES
Go to the cinema. Sit near other people. Had a conversation with a friend.

15. IN A WAY YOU ARE HELPING THEM
On the way out of cinema, if there's a queue waiting to go in, discuss the ending in a loud voice with your friend.

16. SOUND ADVICE
Record a sound of a dentist drill.
Play it at bedtime.

17. KNOW LIMITS
Recognise your limitations.
Then ignore them.

18. IT IS BETTER THAT THEY SHOULD KNOW
Recognise other's people limitations.
Then tell people what they are.

19. DON'T YOU JUST HATE WHEN IT HAPPENS
Ring your friends when they are out.
Hang up just after the answer machine starts recording.
Repeat.

20. THE SALES
Go to the Sales on the first day when the crowds are bigger.
Then buy something you'll never ever wear.

21. THE SALES ( 2 )
Go to the sales near the end when they're quieter.
Beat yourself up over all the bargains you've missed.

22. SCANNER MANNERS
In the supermarket deface all the bar codes of your shopping so they wont scan.

23. ENCOURAGE COFFE BREAKDOWNS
Switch the decaffeinated and caffeinated coffees around whenever you can.

24. CAN DO
Hide the can opener.
When you visit your friends homes hide theirs.

25. COMPLICATE
The more things you must do in life, the more things you own, manage or are responsible for, the more things can go wrong.

26. THE BEST POLICY
Be honest.
All the time.
With everyone.
About everything.

27. THE BETTER POLICY
Lie.
All the time.
To everyone.
About everything.

28. BE RUDE
Practise rudeness, not just to make others feel bad, but also to make you feel bad about yourself.
It's a win - win situation.

29. CARPEM PARK DIEM
When out driving, if you see the chance to box someone in by parking too close to them, seize it.

30. REJECTION
Apply for jobs you are totally unsuited for. Keep all the rejection letters to read whenever you feel good about yourself.

31. DIET HARD
Eat less fresh food.
Eat more things containing preservatives.
Preservatives are called preservatives, because they help you live longer.

32. LOST LOVE
Make a list of all people who've ever dumped you.
Contact them once a year and try to restart your relationship.

33. GET LOST, LOVE
Make a list of all people who you've ver dumped, contact them once a year and try to restart your relationship.

34. THERE IS USE CRYING
Always buy milk in cartoons you find difficult to open.

35. AFTER HOURS
Always work late.
It will make you feel tired, irritable and exploited.

35. WORK LATE - THE DOUBLE HUMMY
Always work late.
Everyone else in the company will hate you for it.
Except your boss who will despise your gullibility.

36. REJOIBILE IN SMALL PRINT
Small print annoys everyone.
The people who read it.
The people who don't read it.
Even the people who write it.

37. IS YOUR CROSSBAR TO LOW?
Often it's very hard to live up to the standards we set for ourselves. However, sometimes we do. To ensure this never happens, make a habit of constantly rising the standards you set for yourself.

38. TAKE CREDIT
Take credit for success that are nothing to do with you.

39. YOU NEED A RIGHT BACKING
If you spend most of your day sitting at a desk, invest in a really cheap chair. Check it doesn't give your back any support.

40. TEMPEERS FUGIT
Buy and wear a 2nd watch.
Set it to beep every half hour so you can panic about being behind schedule.

41. SCHEDULES
Make them whenever possible. Include an unrealistic number of tasks. Agonise over why you are constantly falling behind.

42. PERSPECTIVE AND PROPORTION
It is not coincidence that painting got much better when artists discovered perspective and proportion.
So, avoid both.
They are no help at all to the dedicated disciples of stress.

43. THE PRESENT TENSE
Really tense up all your muscles.
Try to stay this way all day.
If this proves impossible, you have yet again failed at a really simple task.

44. IT DOES YOUR CREDIT
Apply for as many credit cards as you can.
Max them out.
Then get more credit cards, and do the same.

45. CULTIVATE PST
Post Shopping Stress can easily be cultivated.
For instance, after you bought an expensive item, ring around all the shops to discover that you could have bought it at considerably cheaper price.

46. MORE HASTE
Just as you can be influenced by the group around you, with a little determination you can influence them. A simple technique is to harry everyone into doing things faster than they want.

47. COMMUNICATION BRAKEDOWNS
If you are stressed, make sure you communicate to those around you.
Soon they'll be stressed too.

48. TURN ON, TURN UP
Turn on, and turn up all the appliances in any room you are in. Never turn anything off.

49. TURNIP
One day a week eat only turnips.

50. THE FRESH FRUIT STRATEGEM
Buy fresh fruit and put it in a bowl. Then watch it rot. This will make you feel bad because:
1. You are wasting money
2. You are failing at something that's good for you.

51. CREATE A DEPRESION BANK
Stockpile memories of things that really depress you.
Remember them, relive them, reflect on them. Fit them into your daily routine.

52. OLD FLAMMES CAN STILL BURN
Keep a photo of a past lover somewhere your current love is bound to find it.

53. HOW TO WIN AT LOSING (1)
Buy small, expensive things that are easy to lose.

54. HOW TO WIN AT LOSING (2)
Buy large, expensive items and find ways of losing them.

55. THE TRUTH ABOUT BUISINESS
In any business encounter, always remember that the other person is out to screw you.

56. LEAVE LATE
When going anywhere make sure you set off late.
Especially if you are going to an important appointment.

57. EXPIRIENCE THE SUNRISE
Sunrise is a deeply spiritual and uplifting time.
However, if you stay up all night to see if you'll be so knocked you'll see it for the disappointing everyday event it really is.

58. BE TOUCHY, NOT TOUCHY - FEELY
Isolate yourself from human contact.
Shout at anyone who trips to invade your personal space.

59. A TOUCHY EXCEPTION
The only time it is permissible to touch someone is when that person has made it clear they are uncomfortable with physical contact.

60. BREATHE FASTER
The faster you breathe, the more air you get. It's a way of getting one up on those around you. You're breathing air that should rightfully be theirs.
And they cant do anything about it.

61. DEPRESS YOURSELF EARLY
As soon as you wake up in the morning turn on a radio news show.
News is always bad.
What a better way to put you in a right frame of mind for the day?

62. THE TIMES THEY AREN`T CHANGING
You know the saying ` A change is a good as a rest `?
Well, it's a lie. Change invariably makes things worse.
Resist it.

63. BECOME A POLITICIAN
Become a politician.

64. DON'T ONLLY WORRY ABOUT BIG THINGS
Small things need to be worried about too. And if you have no big things to worry about, worry about two small things. ( the stress generated will be the same )

65. GOSSIP FROM THE POISONING FOUNTAIN
Listen to gossip.
Pass it on to all and sundry, enlarge.
And embellish it in the feeling.

66. MAKE WAR, NOT LOVE
Try to replace lovemaking with arguing. And if you find your arguments getting a little routine, try spicing the things up by arguing in unusual locations.

67. HOME IS WHERE HEDEACHE IS
Move home. Twice a year. Every year.

68. MARRIAGE GUIDANCE
Get married as often as possible.

69. SWEET DREAMS
A double espresso just before bed is always a winner.

70. THEY'RE JUST NOT TRYING
When travelling abroad remember foreigners can understand English if you talk loudly and slowly.

71. BUT I LOVE HIM\HER
Constantly choose the wrong partner. Always turn to the same friend for support when things go wrong.

72. CONTEMPLATE YOUR NOVEL
When reflecting on many failures in your life, remember how you've done nothing about novel you've always said you are going to write.

73. PETS
Research shows that people with pets live longer. Never get a pet.
And encourage your friends and neighbours pets to run away.

74. THE LAST WORD
Always make sure you have the last word.
Raise the stakes by make the last word ` dickhead `.

75. BORROWED DISINTREST
Never return things you borrow.

76. KEEP UP
Keep up with the Jonses.
Learn the names of everyone in your street.
Keep up with them, too.

77. SMOKE
1. Smoke.
2. Smoke Galouises
3. Smoke Galouises in ` no smoking ` areas.

78. USEFUL PHRASE
Why did you do that?

73. SHOPPING
Do the weekly shop in a big supermarket on Saturday morning. Take your children with you. If you haven't any children, borrow some.

74. WHAT FRIEDNS ARE FOR
Always borrow money from friends. Forget or put off repaying it for as long as possible.

75. SINGLED OUT
Ask single women if they've got a boyfriends yet. Repeat on Valentine's day.

76. IT'S GOOD TO TALK
At a dinner parties try to bring the conservation round to sex, religion or politics.

77. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
Why?
You haven't got any. Count your problems instead.

78. ROUTINES
Routines are good.
Have routines and stick to them religiously.
Refuse to change them for any reason, no matter how reasonable.

79. BECAUSE THEY CANT CLOSE THEIR EARS
Cultivate an annoying voice.

80. CREATE A MEMOTOCRACY
If you work in an office, get into the habit of communicating excessively by memo.

81. KNOW YOUR PLACE (1)
Always remember that, in truth, you are only small, unimportant cog, in a massive machine you cant control.

82. KNOW YOUR PLACE (2)
Always remember that, in truth, the centre of Universe, the every sun that everything and everyone else should revolve around.

83. IS ANYONE IN CHARGE?
Deal with a bureaucrats as often as you can. Bureaucrats are the SOS of stress situation.

84. THINK ABOUT IT
Why meditate when you can worry. Worrying is meditation carried by realists.

85. LAUGHTER - THE WORST MEDICINE
The only time it is permissible to laugh is when encounter the misfortune of others.
But you can only laugh in their presence.

86. BECOME A JUNK HUNK
Junk food will help you lead a rubbish life. Eat it as often as you can.

87 BEDTIME READING
Write down your worries. Read the list before you go to bed.

88. ADVICE ADDS SPICE
Take every opportunity to give others advice. Especially on subjects of which you have every little of knowledge.

89. THE TRUTH
Recognise that true happiness depends solely on how many material possessions you own. Act accordingly.

90. RAISE YOUR VOICE
Shout at people at least twice a day.

91. SAVED
When working at a computer, never save your works as you go.
This way, when you accidentally erase something, the whole day's effort will have been wasted.

92. THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY
If Einstein was correct and everything is relative, then it's all your permanent fault. Blame them as often as you can.

93. THE TREE Ps
Patronise.
Patronise.
Patronise.

94. UPGRADE YOUR STEREO SYSTEM
Develop a system that reduces everyone you encounter to a specific, case stereotype. Use this as a basis for all conversation with them.

95. SEE THE LIGHT
Replace your blobs with overhead, neon - striped lights.
If you can get ones that flickers, all the better.

96. UNREFLEXOLOGY
Buy shoes one size too small.

97. THE END OF FRIENDSHIP
Come to terms with undeniable truth that a friend is only a enemy you haven't upset yet.

98. THE CHILD WITHIN
Get in touch with child within you. Not one who sees the world with eyes, filled with wonder, but the one who sulks, whinges and constantly demands attention.

93. THE BEST STRESSED PEOPLE
Always criticise everyone's clothes.

94. SPARE TIME, OR GOING SPARE TIME?
Take up hobbies you are no good at.

95. TIME ISN'T MONEY
When using a cash dispenser try out every combination possible. But only if there are people behind.

96. DIY
Research shows that by far best time for drilling holes in walls is early in the Sunday morning.

97. IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED
It must be someone else's fault.
Find them, blame them; Make them pay.

98. THE GOLDEN RULE
Remember that there is absolutely no point in talking about someone behind their back unless they get to hear about it.

99. MOBILE PHONES
Enough said.

100. PSSST! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET?
Listen. Don't ask me how I founded out, but your colleagues who do the same job as you, are getting paid a lot more than you.

101. GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Constantly raise a hope of those around you that you're going to mend your ways. Then take every opportunity to crash those hopes.

102. FUTURE TENSE
You know the saying ` Don't worry, it may never happen `?
Well, it is a lie. It will happen.
And knowing your luck, it will happen more than once.

103. IT`S BETTER TO GIVE THEN RECEIVE
Buy extra copies of this book.
Give them to your friends as presents.
Then, when they express their thanks, charge the full price plus a handling fee.


CALM IS FOR WHIMPS.
GET REAL.
GET STRESSED.

[Aule@]

malo je mnogo choveche.ja sam na tridesetom izgubio interesovanje.

[MUFLON]

Little??? Nisam ni citao... al rek'o jedan post nece da skodi

[mighty_orion]

Little??? Nisam ni citao... al rek'o jedan post nece da skodi

i agree